And midway through the date I swear her lips looked shinner than before.  "Did she put on lipgloss?"  The smoke falls into the air and the hookah we shared was carmel apple.  My goodness she is beautiful!

We talked and it was nothing too deep.  Former relationships, things we like to do, smiles and small stares.  She said she would never be with another women.  Then I thought, did she break up with me before we started dating?  Haha, perfect.  The night air felt so good.  She said she was chilly and I had on a jean jacket.  I would have offered it to her, but it went too well with my outfit.  Besides that I didn't want to be too forward.  By the way, i dressed girly and wore my mowhawk.  She said she liked my hair.

Before I left for the lounge, there was a bit of a party happening at my house.  Paint can drinks were flowing, so I was feeling pretty good.  B1 looked at me and said, "damnit you look hot, why do you have to go on a date with a girl?!"  I told him that she asked me out.  He said, "I know a guy will ask you out" or something like that.  I gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him I'd see him later.  The cougar was there and gave me a sexy eye cut and said, "Good luck on your date, but don't have too much fun."  Haha, she's something else.

So to fastforward, in the middle of the date we ate some food and the first thing I ordered to drink was the chia tea latte.  This casbah has the best chia tea.  After the tea we both had a couple glasses of merlot.  The air and my head started to feel a little different.  We sat there for a while with no words. 

Me:  Do you feel like you're floating?
Canary:  (smile)  Yea I do!
Me:  (thinking, this is really nice.) nice!
Canary:  yea!

We talked to the two women next to us.  One was a belly dancer for the place but of course she was off that night.  We then talked to the 3 guys sitting behind us and shared their hookah.  The apracote one was super good.  There was a strawberry one as well.  The guys were in the navy and stationed here in duval.  They were cool.

We got around to why she wouldn't pursue another women.  The last chick did her wrong.  She said it was worse than being with a guy.  I can dig it.  The last girl I slept with wanted to slit her wrist.  Is all that crazy shit worth it?  Then she told me that last week she started back dating her ex-boyfriend, but wasn't sure where it was going to go.  I wasn't too happy to hear that, but I wasn't too sad either.  We talked about our friend in Maryland and then out of nowhere she started jirrating in her seat to the song "Rock the cashah".  That is so something I would do, so I joined her.  I've never met anyone that liked to dance so much.  Maybe my three year old niece.  (That's my baby).  We even talked about dancing.

When the check came, she took the whole thing which was the first in a long time.  Something about that didn't seem right, so I paid for my drinks.  Just before we left, she asked if I wanted to go out with her and other folks on Halloween to dance.  I said yea.

The clean cool air pressed our skin tenderly as we walked out the lounge doors. We talked about the bike again which was still in her car.  She promised it would be out the next day.  It was. 

I met her and some other folks down at the beach the next evening and we danced to reggae.  So much fun...so much fun.  She won a dance contest but then again thats no surprise.

I was thinking about her today in regards to my poem, titled "what can separate us?"
I've been stuck on this damn thing for two weeks now.

Here's what I got:
What can separate us?  What can fate us and take us?  What can make us?  So different and so the same, and point the blame that when she came I felt no shame.  So what can separate us?  A roaring perfection that flies with the aire of suttle smoke falling from your nostrils and holding my thoughts at bay because if my mind starts to wonder I'll want you to stay...I will want her.  And be locked and be free and to be the thin line I cannot see and...

That's what I've got, but it will be revamped.  The point the poem should get across is that no matter what our sins and vices are we are never separted from the love of God.

Point:  If nothing else, at least we will dance.

When I talk to B1, I feel like I'm talking to myself.  So one day last week he asked:

b1:  have you ever fallen too hard for someone? (referring to b2)
me:  (every time i see a pretty face)  yeah, are you kidding.
b1:  and you know i'm talking about b2.  its just hard when she saying she has feeling for me but then she goes and does other stuff.  then i have to find a way to keep busy without her and i just don't understand.
me:  (i'm thinking, she's just not that into you)  yea, i know exactly what you mean.  girls do that...(usually when they're not that into you but when you're around and you're not that bad to hang out with...personally, i feel like you're the saving time until they find someone better or figure out what they want to do with you.)
(fastforward)
b1:  yea, and its hard because she doesn't believe in jesus...(he talks a bit about that)
me:  (that's like every relationship i've had with a girl with the exception of the leo heartbreaker.) yea i know what you mean, its hard.

we talk a bit more the point is -

point:  i definately feel like i'm having a conversation with myself and it doesn't even have to be about jesus, just life in general.  life is good!

- The best part of my week is driving from church to fellowship on Sundays.  This time is hands down the absolute best time of my week.  Jazz like Coltrane or music by Kem is usually on 101.5.  And wether its sunny or rainy it always feels good outside after church.

- I think I took too many drugs today.  I feel really good though.  B2's excedrine migraine.  I didn't get to stay in bed all day, but most of it was good.

- I need fish for this tank but I don't think the filter is working properly.

- where the wild things are.

- the nieghborhood cops are riding bikes now.  Its about time, most of the crack heads ride bikes anyway.  and most of the crime is loitering and prositution.

- write as much as possible on monday's b/c you have no time the rest of the week.

- we go to talledega alabama for habitats conference.  why can't we go somewhere cool like vegas.

- good job on not getting b2 a birthday gift even though you really wanted to b/c someone broke into her car as apart of your, "never ever buy any girl not your family another gift ever again." rule.  Nice JJ!

- make a mountain the fellowships prop for sunday. idk?

- keep trying to do the right thing even though its confusing, frustrating, hard, tempting etc.  there is a promise that your labor is not in vain.

- encourage yourself. 

- don't forget to be genuinely thankful.

- buy some chia tea. yum.

- enjoy the alone time, but not too much.

- know that if no one ever understands someone does.

- keep voicing and writing your frustrations, then get over it.

- value the people you see around you.  its no mistake.  they are there for a reason.

- football is on tv.

- point:  "we are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams." - willy wonka!

So.....

I want a family.  This conclusion was reached again today.  I want to be a mom.  Something strange came over me the last few days and I just really want baby...Like now.  Like right now I wish I was pregnant.  I wrote a poem about it in art class. 

I want a healthy family with me as the natural mother and a guy as the natural father and a ring and a wedding.  Its not that I'm getting any younger but there are things I think I need to experience in order to feel I've lived a full life.

Having a husband then kids is not on my bucket list but shall be added as of now.  I mean really, I've already been gay.  As much trouble as I have with cramps I just want to know what it feels like to birth a life.  Some women say that don't want kids and never want kids but I do think its in our nature to want to know how it feels to give birth.  What a beautiful gift.  To be fruitful and multiply.  Life is so good when its good.

So when my older brother died he was the last generation on his mom's side of the family.  That's sad.  At least I think so.  No cousins and his aunts are too old to have anymore kids.  It is sad.  Plus I think my dad needs some grandkids.  He's crazy.

Point:  I've got a lot of work to do.