jjnjinga

Awake.

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 04:56:36 GMT

don't open your eyes
follow the white rabbit
like neo did
take hits from these
"bitch ass - trick ass - niggas wit slick cash"
evils that paralel a nice beat
while you roll passenger seat
and puff high above the clouds like pilots do
keep your eyes closed
know 1 can here u!
you don't know what hides
on the other side of those lids
what's split your wigs,
and what made that elevator fall
to the bottom of the bridge
if its day or if its night
and even if your eyes open
you still won't see the light
waking up in the same dream
where for a second
everything is okay until its not
and a serotonin block can make you
think you're really shot
from crashing to cruising, from smooth skin to bruising
norepinphrine has kicked it
telling your brain "you're loosing".
and once, and just for once,
you dream like the scare-crow
wishing you had a brain like everybody else,
especially of those who can't remember what they dreamed
or didn't wake themselves up to a scream
separating that world from this one
keeping those unlying windows
that open your soul wide shut
not interrupting a vision so corrupt
holding, twisting, begging and untrusting
clutching, grabbing, nabbing and stabbing
your every thought into something
more awful than the next.
these pills, this smoke, this drink
aint no test.
so unless you ready to pass
you best stay up and get some rest.
those sleeping shadows you call dreams
are not ready to wake inside of themselves
melt the pain away and repent for not repenting
for a sin you keep committing
fade away this dream, listen to what mouths haven't seen
cry unconscience without a shake
one thing you do know
....you only write when you wake.

transpiring.

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 12:12:26 GMT

I think I meant to write grim.

Today there is an all company meeting in which we will discuss how to make things more efficient and money saving. I want to propose a 3-week look ahead schedule like most construction companies have. I know this is a non-profit and all but that doesn't mean we don't need to plan things as if we aren't. All our stuff is based on outside resources which makes it a bit tougher opposed to knowing what's in house, but then again maybe I don't know what's really going on.

The best thing about working for a non-profit is that I can get as many days off as I want. My work is based on how many hours I complete. Nice.

I still like John Legend. Super handsome. Playing his "Selfish" remix from slum village and kanye.

grime to good.

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 03:17:14 GMT

I'm drugged up now. I forget the name of the meds I'm on. I've had some form of a drug in my system all year. Legal and illegal. I'm not proud of the illegal ones or even the legal ones. I haven't seen the organic me for a while, but the good thing is that I won't have any more migranes due to tooth ache. They took it out. Yep, bloody mouth all day and the insurance from work was fair for a PPO plan. I don't know much about insurance but it just seemed fair.

The good news is that I went to a different dentist and from the moment I walked in the office I felt very comfortable. I don't know if it was all the black entertainment magazines or because its so close to my house, or because the office is all black owned but I felt good. The dentist had plenty of articles about himself displayed on the walls in the office. The articles ranged from the Essence, to Jet, to the local paper to other stuff. Mr. Modesty! Plus there were random pics of him and famous people like Bill Clinton. Then of course a random Obama pic was around.

The bad news is that I have 6 cavities. None of these were addressed or even discussed at the last dentist I went to. Surely, not all of these teeth were corrodding in the last 6 months. It took those idiots 3 months to fix one tooth which resulted in not caring or even concerning themselves with informing me what was going on with the rest of my mouth. I am very pissed about that.

I almost wanted to be impressed by my experience today in comparison to my last dentist. But the truth is I should not be impressed that someone does his job. Its when they exceed my expectations am I impressed. I expected them to do their job well, but I did not expect for them to give me a free cleaning so that was a plus. They were prompt, it took only one time to take pictures of my teeth that didn't result in me crying. And the dentist was not a smart alec. When I look at my physicians I can tell whether they care about me or care about their jobs. I am not an ailment, day of week, item after lunch, insurance policy, or chart. Some people get it and some people don't.

The way my new financial situation is looking, it seems that I will have to do a tooth each pay period or save up to get them all at once which may take longer. Either way I really do want to get my mouth taken care of (correctly).

The good news is that I still have a charming smile :)

Still. A Very Good Day.

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 14:23:53 GMT

Good morning!

I won't go too in depth of the deep physical pain I went through last night regarding my mouth or how dissappointed I am that I have to see the dentist in about a half hour. And I won't go too deep about the things I can't give this holiday season, but I will bless the Lord at all times.

I will be thankful for another day here on earth.

I will be thankful for another day here on earth.

I will be thankful for a wonderful natural and spiritual family.

My bad times here on earth are still made in very good days and I will bless the Lord in all times and have faith.

Point: Time is a blessing.

Christmas.

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 02:48:38 GMT

"Someday at Christmas men won't be boys
Playing with bombs like kids play with toys
One warm December our hearts will see
A world where men are free
Someday at Christmas there'll be no wars
When we have learned what Christmas is for
When we have found what life's really worth
There'll be peace on earth
Someday all our dreams will come to be
Someday in a world where men are free
Maybe not in time for you and me
But someday at Christmastime..."

Christmas Playlist:
1. Someday at Christmas - Stevie Wonder
2. Someday at Christmas - Mary J. Blidge
3. Santa Baby - Eartha Kitt
4. All I want for Christmas is You - Mariah Carey
5. Baby its Cold Outside - Ray Charles

Christmas Movies:
1. The Preacher's Wife
2. Trading Places
3. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Cartoon)
4. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
5. The Family Stone

Christmas Food:
1. Anything my mom cooks
2. Anything my stepdad cooks
3. Eggnog

My favorite things about Christmas:
1. Mass Anticipation
2. Hope
3. That warm and fuzzy feeling!

morning thoughts.

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 10:35:49 GMT

Its easy to go along with something when it agrees with you, but when it challenges what you believe it forces you to change some things about yourself in order for you to grow with it.

I had a dream my youngest sister was getting married and we were all going to watch her boyfriends football game. They were getting married in the top section of the bleachers (lmao). My cousins and aunts that were at my other sister's wedding was there. They all looked nice but I was in regular clothes because I didn't realize what was going on. I thought it was a regular football game.

Ironically, my sister told me yesterday that her ex-boyfriend and father of her child doesn't want to be with her anymore. She's heartbroken and sent me some text about it. She's also blasting her emotions on FB (not a good idea). I feel sad for her. No one enjoys their heart being ripped out of there chest. Don't you ever wish you could just make someone feel better or make yourself? The worst is that she's the most sensative of us all so she's liable to do...i don't know. She's just really sensative. Plus she has the passing out thing. (Now look at that bay-bee! ;(

The good news is that she's attractive and young. She will also get over this thing though she doesn't see it now. It must be strange to love someone who doesn't want to be with you, then have to constantly look at a little person walking around in your presences that looks just like them.

Its raining outside. I fell asleep off of boondock saints, and I don't think B1 was happy. But when I got in the house after me and B1's laugh-o-pallousa, B2 was already watching a movie. I didn't want to kick her off. Its just selfish. Then we started the movie when he came over but it didn't go anywhere. I was sleep within an hour.

Before we went to the football game in my dream, I also dreamed that my mom and stepdad had to move back into our old 2 bedroom apartment. It actually is less than a quarter of a mile from where they live now. Four girls and one consistant parent in a small two bedroom. I wonder how my mom did some things. (superwoman i guess). Anyway, my mom was talking about gettin digital instead of cable bc you get more channels. If they were moving back to poor at least they would have good tv. Miami vice was on but somehow we were also in the show and the white detective had on a thin creme blazer. I remember thinking, "isn't he hot, we're in Miami" - transistion to football game scene.

Point: Things fall apart sometimes. They can mend. If we choose.

December 3, 2009

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 05:10:55 GMT

I'd have to say that what I like best about where I work is the fact that we start each morning with prayer. You can't find very many places to work that do that. Most of the americorp crew went to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra tonight. I didn't go, because I don't have any money. I slept a good bit, then woke up tried to figure some stuff out on the computer and cleaned up a bit. I had spaggetti for dinner and I like angel hair pasta the best. The spaggetti tasted fine considering its been in the freezer for about a month. Just the sause. The noodles were fresh.

Life is so good. I mean life is really good. I'm thinking and enduring sporadic pain throughout my days and by the grace of God, I have incredible hope that things will get better. I know things can get alot worse, and I'm in a sour spot in my life considering where I came from, but recognizing that and knowing I can grow is the best part.

I listened to a sermon online about growing tonight. I missed it when I went to my mom's house for the weekend, one of these two weekends. One of the women from fellowship is in the hospital from pneumonia. I need to see her sometime soon. At least call her.

Christmas music has been on everywhere. Its good. Last night was rough. I don't really know how it came about, but I went to bed pretty happy and relaxed.

Point: I want to write more but I'm pretty tired and need to shower up for bed.

late night.

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 08:35:25 GMT

I wrote an blog earlier yesterday about the chapters to come but it erased. It was before I went to sleep for the night and before I woke up in the middle of the night. Basically, it appears that things are once again going on a downward spiral. The Debra Cox theroy of how I got here will be disgused.

The thing closes to me now, is my heath. Basically, my oral health is in jeopardy. I get a headache everyday at least twice a day. When I don't take any medicine it feels like a migraine. This headache stems from the terrible dental work I had done earlier in the year that took forever. When the dentist put in the new and improved tooth on the bottom the one on top was in direct jeopardy that I am feeling now. The insurace I have isn't that good, and I'm not sure it covers a significant part if any for dental.

I'm pretty upset now and awake and don't feel that I can do much until my other financial situation is rectified. I just took steps to consolidate my credit on Monday, so that is one good thing.

In terms of socioeconomics, poor people usually have poor health. Bad teeth and/or overweight.

Chapters to Come:
1. The book I've been reading lately about drugs
2. The concept of food deserts
3. Time
4. Consolidating Debt: How did I get here?
5. How to stay debt free your whole life: The Larry Lott Approach
6. Women with check lists and the men whom fear them
7. How to sustain and maintain a low-income community

Point: I forgot the other topics I wrote previous. Right now I'll try to go back to bed and not sulk and vent here on the blog.

Referrence Mark: The headaches have been going on for about 3 weeks now.

no smoke. still high. re-psycic.

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 03:21:27 GMT

The freakin psycic was at my friends place when I came back. I damn near forgot they were cousins and of course she like her damn cousin but worse was talking about how we feel off. But we didn't so much fall off; as much as I hit it and stopped calling her because she's kind of crazy.

Then she said something about my weight, so that shit defiantely wasn't going to get her any attention.

(Sidenote: "Call me mister flinestone, I can make your bed rock")

Damn dread. How I forgot about the psycic? Then the whole time I was there she and the other cousin and some random, is getting blazed in the living room and I don't smoke but I'm in the vaccinity and getting high off the excess smoke as I fall asleep off of Katt Williams.

psycic: so what happened? you just didn't want to talk anymore. I mean I ain't seen you in a little bit.

Me: (i don't say shit, just look dumb, like guys do sometimes when they don't want to hurt your feelings by saying exactly what they mean or agreeing with you.)

psycic: yea, you aint want to talk to me...(looks down at her phone) its cool.

me: (still no response, just a dumb smile)

Then I thought to myself, I coulda got plenty damn far with three out of the 6 people in this fucking house if I wanted to today including you're so called 'psycic' ass, but I am really trying to be good and live a life most beneficial. Please no more questions.

I almost feel like she read my thoughts because after my silence she left the room and I feel asleep again. Nice.

Point: Its just not a good thing to hit and quit it. Most, hurt people know why they're hurt and who did it and how it was done.

(Sidenote: Keep up the good karma, this year might end okay.)

smoke. no sex. in the car.

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 03:02:58 GMT

"Isn't it ironic? All you want to do is smoke chronic?" _Angie Stone

And we watched 3 bootlegs in his car. The one with the world ending wasn't that bad. I think to myself, "He is wasting his time in this car." Who am I to judge. But, for the years I have known him all we've done is smoke and watch movies. I must have forgot how much doing nothing was so fun. Clearly I must have gotten bored. But this niggas hair looks good. "Who did you're hair?" This dude got twist he pulled back in a pony tail. "My son's mama", he replies.

We watched precious on boot, and thank goodness I was high as a fucking kite to cope with that bullshit. It is by far the worse, saddest, ridiculous, upsetting, heartbreaking, fuckin disgusting movie I have watched in my life. I fucking don't even know why I watched it, but after the first hit I was like fuck it, let me see what this shit is about. Wrong!

The only highlight of the movie was when I wasn't watching it and when I found out Paula Patton's fineness was actually playing a lesbian. Sex-ay! Damn she's beautiful.

(Sidenote: the other words that were followed by my request in the previous "smoke" was, "if you hurt her, you hurt yourself." I pictured my friends girlfriend, then thought of the additional bullshit she did not need to go through.)

We watched Precious, and I wanted to cry but I was high and I was me, and I don't like to cry so then I was almost pissed then my stomach started to hurt and I felt like throwing up. Literally. After the nausea, I decided to leave to head home. Earlier, yesterday morning we smoked and watched "the box". I felt like floating all day.

High Thoughts: Food never tasted so good. Me and the twin didn't talk much. Haha.